All I Ask
by eversskye
Summary: "I love you Anna," she said, as her eyes began to close. "I don't think I'll ever be able to stop even if I tried. But if I had a choice, if I could ever start over in my next life...I wish I would never meet you." Elsanna Modern AU. Non-incest. Warning: Extreme Angst.
1. Chapter 1

**All I Ask**

Summary: "I love you Anna," she said, as her eyes began to close. "I don't think I'll ever be able to stop even if I tried. But if I had a choice, if I could ever start over in my next life...I wish would never meet you." Elsanna Modern AU. Non-incest. Warning: Extreme Angst.

by eversskye

 **Prologue**

* * *

 **Four Years, Seven Months Ago**

The feeling of warm water running through her fingers was very relaxing, and she hummed quietly as she washed the dishes. Elsa was in one of her more playful moods, gathering some of the soap bubbles and blowing on them occasionally while she rinsed the dishes clean of suds.

To Anna, she looked absolutely adorable. The younger girl snuck behind the blonde, unnoticed until she slipped her arms around Elsa's waist. The taller girl gasped, blushing darkly when she spotted the loving eyes gazing at her.

"A-Anna!"

The strawberry blonde grinned, squeezing the other girl more tightly in her arms.

"'Sup?"

Elsa slapped the arms around her lightly in half-hearted attempt to be serious.

"Anna. I'm busy."

Yet the lightly tanned limbs did not relinquish their hold. Anna took the chance to bury her face into the taller girl's shoulder.

"I'm busy too. I'm hugging my wife."

At this all attempts at seriousness were almost entirely erased as Elsa giggled shyly.

"Silly Anna. We're not married yet."

Anna smirked into her neck before reaching to grab her left hand. Together they stood, left hands raised side by side, identical promise rings shining in the fourth finger of both.

"So you admit that one day you'll be my wife?"

Elsa smiled, turning within the other girl's hold and placing her arms on the younger girl's shoulders.

"Would I be wearing your promise ring if I wasn't? But before that, shouldn't you tell your parents about us? I mean, you've already met my family. I think it's about time that-mmmnn..."

She was pulled into a passionate kiss, eyes immediately closing while the other girl pushed her against the kitchen sink. After a long while, they broke off, breathing heavily.

"Anna..."

The shorter girl smiled widely.

"Don't worry. I'm going back home for a few weeks this summer. I'll tell them then, and invite you over. They'll love you, I promise."

 **Four Years, Two Months Ago**

 _Ping!_

Elsa jumped from the bed, rushing to find the phone left on the nightstand and looking anxiously at the name of the one who had sent the text.

 _"Hey Elsa._

 _Sorry but I'm tired of this. I don't think it's working out._

 _I don't think we'll work out._

 _My parents' company is in a bad place right now, and they're under a lot of pressure._

 _I can't have our relationship add on to their burden."_

The words pierced into her heart. She began typing hastily, desperately.

 _"Anna! Just..where are you? Where have you been these few months?_

 _We can work this out._

 _Just._

 _Let me see you._

 _We can-"_

Yet the other girl continued sending her texts, ignoring the ones Elsa had sent.

 _"Our relationship isn't just the two of us anymore._

 _I can't be selfish._

 _My father hurt himself in shame yesterday when he heard that I was with a woman._

 _I can't just forsake the ones who gave birth to me._

 _I can't leave them when they need me most._

 _Our time together will forever be remembered as one of the happiest of my life._

 _Goodbye, Elsa."_

 **Four Years, One Month, Three Weeks Ago**

It had begun raining several hours ago.

She barely remembered how she arrived at the mansion several hundred miles away from home, drenched to the bone. All she knew was that Anna had left her the address once in case of emergency.

She pounded on the door, heedless of the coldness seeping into her veins.

"Anna! Come out, please! Just let me see you one more time. Just once. Tell me you still love me, and I'll wait. I'll wait forever for you."

Her hair had fallen from the braid she usually kept it in, wet strands covering her eyes and face. It took a moment before she even realized a figure emerging from the door, the thundering from the skies making it hard for her to hear the door's opening at all.

Eagerly, she brushed the wetness from her eyes in attempt to see more clearly.

"Ann-"

"Go away!"

The man pushed her backwards and she slipped, falling down the steps that lead to the house.

"She doesn't want to see you, so you better leave the premises immediately or I'll call the police."

The rain that night never seemed to stop.

 **Four Years, One Month, Two Weeks Ago**

 _"I told you we were over._

 _Why did you have to come here?_

 _My parents have been arguing nonstop because of you._

 _Mother almost had a heart attack._

 _I wish you never existed."_

She laughed bitterly atop the bed, not bothering to close the message before sending the phone flying towards the opposite wall. One satisfying crack later, the phone shut off, dead.

She would never reuse that number.

Never receive the apology that was sent two weeks after.

 **Two Years Ago**

Her two brothers gathered around her as they waited for the family doctor to open the files containing her test results. Dr. Kai's face was very grim as he studied the notes, pausing a moment before turning to Elsa.

"Are you sure you want me to say this with them here?"

She looked at Olaf and Marsh before nodding.

"I'm sure. After our parents died from that car crash nearly a year ago, I'd promised them I would never shut them out again. Whatever happens, we'll be in this together."

The doctor sighed, rubbing his face with his hands.

"Elsa, you're the kindest, most hard working person I've ever known. But sometimes you just need to know how to let yourself rest a little. You've been working nonstop ever since your parents died. That overwork and stress is probably what triggered everything."

The siblings head each other's hands tightly as they listened, eyes determined as they waited for the doctor to continue.

"My brothers are all I have left, doctor. If I don't take care of them, who will? Just tell me the results."

It was always difficult to say, especially to someone so young. Kai wasn't sure if he felt more or less at ease that this particularly close-knit family seemed to not have a drop of tears between them despite the situation. Their strength humbled him, made him regret what he would have to say even more.

He cleared his throat, steeling himself to speak.

"The second set of tests have confirmed that the acute myeloid leukemia you had a kid has...well, recurred."

The younger teenage boy was quiet, staring in front of him almost angrily. His older brother, Olaf, inhaled deeply before pulling his two siblings into a tight hug.

Elsa patted her brothers' backs gently.

"It'll be okay, guys. I promised I'd take care of you, didn't I? We'll be okay."

They remained like that for the next half hour, holding each other as Elsa patted their backs, sad smile on her face.

 _Mom. Dad. Give me strength to take care of them, until they're both settled in college._

As they left the clinic, headed towards the ice cream store in hope to brighten each other's spirits, a grim thought passed through Elsa's mind.

 _You'll get what you want soon, Anna. Soon, we won't be in the same world anymore._

 **Present Day**

"Hey Elsa! You okay there?"

She blinked, trying to clear the black spots in her vision. After a moment she smiled tiredly at Kristoff, glad that her goggles hid the unfocused look in her eyes.

"Yeah. I'm okay. Just a bit nervous on the new changes in our department, actually."

It wasn't the whole truth, but not a lie either. Kristoff seemed to understand, dropping the subject of her health in favor of the one she had chosen.

"I know, right? It's not as though Hans is a good boss by any means, but I'm also anxious to see who his fiancée is. If she's to replace him as head of department here, then I hope she's not as bad as he is. Or even worse."

Elsa nodded, not saying anything. They drifted into a comfortable silence, working at their respective lab tables until late in the evening. About five minutes before the day was over, a coworker announced the arrival of the new head of department at Westerguard Pharmaceuticals.

They lined up near the door, goggles off and experiments having been stored away, as they waited for the woman to enter through the door.

Elsa heard the emerging sound of her high heels before seeing her. The woman spoke up immediately upon entering, cheery smile on her face as she introduced herself.

"Hello. My name is Anna. I'm pleased to meet all of you, and I hope we'll work well together!"

It took one moment. One look, and Elsa's heart dropped.

Before her was Anna, but not her Anna at all.

The cheery smile, the strawberry blonde twin braids remained.

And yet gone was the tomboy in jeans and sports shoes with a thin silver promise ring as the only jewelry she ever adorned.

The stranger in a black well-ironed suit had a smile that did not reach her eyes. In her left hand was a large diamond ring that gleamed coldly, flashing as she moved while she spoke.

As her coworkers gathered around their new supervisor, Elsa quickly excused herself. She didn't look to see if the others had seen her at all, opting to walk as fast as she could out of the room.

She broke into a run once she reached the hallway, yet she could not make it outside the building before a wave of nausea hit. Shaking slightly, she opted to head towards one of the ladies' rooms on the ground floor, collapsing onto the sink for what seemed like hours.

The building was almost empty when she came back out, stumbling towards the exit. Her phone beeped in her pockets, and she reached into it to view a couple of worried texts sent by Marsh stating that he was outside to pick her up from work. Immediately all thoughts of Anna vanished.

 _Why did he...how did he know?_

When she read through the messages and noticed the late time, she felt a pang of guilt. He must have driven there when he noticed she was not home. Yet she did not want to see him, worry him when she no doubted-ly looked terrible.

Taking a deep breath as the world spun around her, she slid down to sit against one of the walls, hoping to regain her strength for a couple of minutes before heading out to meet her brother.

Yet the nausea would not settle. The halls seemed to spin faster and faster, closing in on her as she collapsed, unconscious.

* * *

There was a small commotion with the janitors that attracted Anna to one of the hallways by the exit as she was about to leave for the day.

The meeting with her new coworkers did not take much time at all, and she would have left much earlier had it not been for the retreating form of the girl she had seen before the meeting at even started.

The girl had left so quickly that Anna was only given a brief glance. But for the moment that her eyes had been on the blonde, she had dared to hope it was Elsa. She was unsure why her mind kept looking for Elsa in such ridiculous places. Even if they met, Anna would not know what to say to her.

Shaking her head, she schooled herself to stop thinking about the other girl. There was no way Elsa was there.

Her line of thought was broken by the sight of two janitors kneeling by the form of an unconscious woman. She rushed forward to help, brushing aside the other two before pulling the pale woman into her arms.

"You two, call for an ambulance. I'll stay and take care of her while we wait for..."

The words died in her throat when her gaze fell upon the woman's face.

"Elsa?"

The woman remained motionless, while Anna's heart began to beat almost frantically.

She froze, unsure of what to do, until someone took the other girl from her arms. The emptiness she felt from the other girl's disappearance pulled her from her trance, and Anna looked up to see the face of a boy she once knew.

"Marsh!"

Except the boy had grown much taller, and was no longer happy to see her, frowning as he recognized who she was. Without a word, he pulled his sister onto his back and stood up, walking away. Anna rushed after him.

"Wait! What's wrong with her? What happened?"

The expression on the teenager's face did not change, and he did not turn back. But his words stopped Anna from her tracks.

"Don't touch my sister. Don't hurt her anymore."


	2. Chapter 2

**All I Ask**

by eversskye

 **A/N:** Many, many thanks to everyone who reviewed/faved/followed! This story is a bit of an emotional rollercoaster for me to write, so I was very glad to find people enjoying it. I have to warn you though, our main couple still has a lot of struggles/angst/drama happening to them. Eventually there might be fluff at certain points, but I don't guarantee it. This story is very sad through and through. Tell me if at any point the plot becomes unreasonable though?

 **Warning:** Thoughts of suicide and self harm.

 **Chapter One**

Anna did not follow the ambulance with Marsh; she'd lost that privilege to care for the other girl a long time ago.

So instead, she drove around the neighborhood in circles; wondering, worrying. She didn't want to go home, didn't want to face Hans. Not when Elsa was out there. Not when even after all these years...Elsa's presence _was_ home, while Hans was not and never would be.

It was never easy to break up with Elsa.

Her thoughts always came back to that summer, when the world was still beautiful and she still believed in happiness. Anna remembered her intent to tell her parents about their relationship. Remembered dreaming of weddings and Elsa.

Always Elsa, with eyes filled with love wearing shimmering dresses that shone like visions from above. Elsa smiling. Elsa placing a ring around her fingers. Elsa's warm hugs and even warmer lips.

But life was not the fairytale that Anna had always imagined it would be.

The words never came from her mouth when she saw the grim look upon her parents' faces. She had swallowed that happy confession about Elsa down, down...when mother and father told her that the household servants had all been sent away.

The company was failing. They might lose the house. They're losing everything.

And so the nightmares began.

There were nights when father and mother had argued almost to the point of divorce. Nights she had spent sitting by the door inside her room, hands over her ears to cover up the noise and wishing, dreaming she was elsewhere in the arms of _Elsa_.

Elsa, her love.

Yet telling them of Elsa just never seemed appropriate, so she took over the company and decided to focus on rebuilding, missing her girlfriend all the while.

 _No, don't call Elsa. Why burden her with your problems? If you call while you're in a bad mood you'll just end up misplacing your unhappiness on her and making her sad as well._

So while Elsa's calls just rang and rang and rang...

Not answering didn't mean she missed her girlfriend any less.

Things came to a head when father suggested that she find a date in one of the partnering company's heirs one day and then she'd made an offhand comment on liking women. They immediately took away her cell phone and locked her up in that horrid room for months.

Days upon days upon days

 _Elsa._

 _Elsa._

 _Elsa._

 _Where are you?_

 _Are you thinking of me too?_

Some days she did not speak at all. Did not eat. Did not sleep.

 _Elsa_ ran through her mind. Tore through her heart. Stifled the air in which she breathed.

When freedom came, it brought with it a camera always by her side. A monitoring system to make sure she simply worked at the company and came back. No contacting Elsa. No attempt to reach the woman who had _corrupted_ her parents' _straight_ daughter.

Some days she'd seriously contemplated running off on her own and making a life with Elsa without her parents' approval.

Some days she contemplated just running out and getting hit by a car.

 _What am I?_

 _A failure, that's what I am._

But then one night mother came with apologies and tears in her eyes...

Asking Anna to choose.

She could choose Elsa. Kind and gentle Elsa who gave the warmest hugs yet was stronger than anyone she knew.

She could choose her parents, the man and woman who had given birth to her, raised her, brought her up to become who she was. Choose to stay and save the company and hundreds of men and women who might be out of a job if she failed.

Should she choose to leave everything behind and be with the girl who held her heart?

Or take care of her old and ailing parents, becoming a calming balm to smooth over their stressful relationship?

What kind of child would be able to just sit by and watch her parents' marriage collapse? What kind of girlfriend would just give up on love like it means nothing at all?

Family and duty, or selfish love?

Anna chose Elsa.

Chose to believe that Elsa could handle it all, and that Elsa would be fine without her.

Chose to believe that Elsa was strong while Anna was weak. Elsa would find true love one day while Anna lived the rest of her life bitter with regret for what could have been.

 _Anna was a fool._

When she found her parents arguing yet again one rainy night, and discovered that the reason for this new argument was Elsa's untimely visit...Anna was more angry at herself than anything.

Annoyed that she had underestimated Elsa's love. Worried of her parents' reactions.

Yet so believing was she in Elsa's strength back in those days, seeing the girl crumble and actually travel to go find someone so undeserving made Anna livid at her ex's reactions.

Elsa should have been better than this.

Elsa should have let her go once she found out how pathetic Anna was.

Anna sent a text that she would end up regretting. When the apology was not received two weeks later, she believed that Elsa had moved on at last.

 _It was better this way_ , she tried to persuade herself.

 _Wait for me_ , Anna thought. _In my next life I'll become stronger. I'll become worthy of your love, and nothing in the world would be able to break us apart._

She settled with looking for Elsa's images in the crowd. Brief glances at platinum-blonde strangers who she could pretend was Elsa, passing her by. And always, always...the Elsa in her imagination would be the one who left her, not the other way around.

Because who would be so stupid to give up on a girlfriend like Elsa?

What she could never admit to herself was that selfishly, she feared Elsa moving on more than anything else. That maybe in that next life, Elsa had already promised herself to someone else.

And unworthy Anna was nothing to her anymore.

* * *

Let it be said that Hans is not a perfect man.

As a person, he might not even be a _good_ one. He tended to be stingy and rude to those who worked under him. He treated those who had no use to him as though they were less than human, and was disgustingly obsequious to those he had something to gain from.

Yet as far as boyfriends and fiancés went, Hans was patient and caring enough. Sure, to a more attached girlfriend, he might be too much of a workaholic sometimes. But Anna knew he acted in such ways because he always felt like he had something to prove.

As a son, the youngest of thirteen, he was the most obedient child a parent could ask for. If there was anyone in the world Hans has ever loved unconditionally...perhaps it would be his father. All of his life, he had striven for his father to notice him.

It was in this single virtue that Anna saw in him, one that bound him to her since she was able to understand him as no one else did. Since she too, strove to do everything for her own parents. It also helped that marrying her would give him a positive light in his father's eyes, since she was from a respectable family- yet her company has been struggling for the past couple of years and it wouldn't seem as though he was vying for her money.

But understanding each other is one thing. _Love_ is another.

Anna didn't love him. Anna was also pretty sure that he didn't love her either, which made everything a lot simpler.

Thus when Anna entered the house late that night after having driven around in circles for the past many hours, she was not expecting him to be awake waiting for her.

It suited her just fine, walking through the dark hallway of the house they shared. No need to greet anyone. No need to pretend. Because if there was one thing Anna hated most in the world, it would be saying "hello".

People say that "goodbyes" should hurt. People say, _goodbye_ means the end.

But what was so painful about ending? One clean cut and it's done, just as how she'd hoped her relationship with Elsa had ended.

It was harsh, perhaps. But it was very final. Very fast. No time for things to deteriorate, no time for both parties to see the worst in each other. _Goodbye_ meant they could still look back and remember only the happier, better things of each other before everything ended.

 _Hello_ meant having to live with that ending forever, to the beginning of the rest of her life without Elsa.

 _Hello_ was the dark, empty house she had been facing ever since then. _Hello_ to her cold room, to her unkempt bed that had no Elsa in it.

 _Hello_ to the wrong face, to the wrong person. To the home she shared with a man whose hair was never white enough, whose eyes were never blue enough, whose hugs were never soft enough nor warm enough...

 _Hello_ to the _**hell o**_ f a life she had chosen.

Anna hated hello's.

So she went to her room and said hello to the emptiness and the bed that would never welcome her as though she belonged.

It was always easier to hate someone than hate yourself.

Yet Anna hated herself most of all.

* * *

Anna rose from bed the next morning not having slept at all. She went through the motions of her morning rituals, then headed off to work. She arrived just as the first workers had opened the doors for employees to enter, and spent the next few hours pacing in her office wondering if she should head to the lab and check to see if Elsa was there.

An awkward peek into the building's research department five hours later, Anna was not sure if she should be relieved or upset that Elsa had not shown up for work that day. By lunch time she found out through the careful prodding of Elsa's coworkers that her brother had called this morning and told them Elsa was still in the hospital.

They had made plans to visit the girl after work, asking Anna if she wanted to join. Nodding before she realized what she was doing, Anna followed in her own car, mindlessly joining everyone when they stopped by a florist to get flowers to bring with them for the visit before heading to the hospital.

The ride, as well as the check-in, were both peaceful enough. Most of her new coworkers were still wary of her position as their head of department, so they kept to themselves just as Anna had when she chose to drive alone rather than carpool with everyone else. The rest were kind enough to include her in their conversations, impressed that she was visiting one of their coworkers despite, to their knowledge, never having met the girl before.

It should have been easy to just blend in along with the group and visit Elsa. Yet at the last moment, Anna got cold feet and abandoned her coworkers just before entering the room. Mumbling a quick excuse on something about an urgent call, she ran back down the hallway and out of the hospital building.

She ended up crouching at an empty corner, flowers still clutched in her hands and eyes tinged with red while her heart raced with the dozens of thoughts passing through her mind.

She didn't even know why she was here. None of the coworkers knew why Elsa was in the hospital in the first place, so perhaps it wasn't anything serious. Maybe it was something in what the blonde girl ate?

Anna had no business in worrying anyway. It wasn't as though the other girl was anything to her. Not anymore. Anna didn't know what she expected of herself, or what she wanted in seeing Elsa.

Wouldn't it just break both of their hearts again?

Yet selfishly, she wished to see her former girlfriend anyway. Even if it was for the last time, even if Elsa might angrily push her away. Frustrated, she glowered at the white roses still in her hands, some of the petals having become tattered and bent when she dashed outside.

By the time the strawberry-blonde finally gathered enough courage to walk back to Elsa's room, everyone else had already left. Still, the door to Elsa's room remained slightly ajar, and with the slightest hesitation, Anna peaked in to finally look at the girl who had been on her mind for the past many years.

Elsa was as beautiful as she remembered. Luscious blonde locks adorned aristocratic-looking features, which were softened by the girl's gentle eyebrows and long, curling eyelashes. Her eyes were still as blue as the sky and deeper than any ocean.

And yet...

The girl seemed a lot more fragile than Anna had ever imagined she could be.

Her skin, while always pale, now seemed to have lost all the rosy blush of health in them. Her body was almost too thin, her frame swallowed up by the blankets and the mattress that held her up.

But even then, those features seemed only to accentuate her heartbreakingly angelic countenance. She sat like a mirage borne from Anna's deepest wishes, easily shattered and quick to disappear with one careless step forward.

 _How much of you had I destroyed back then?_

Anna lost her courage to approach the other girl at all. With a deep breath, she quietly laid the white roses on the floor in front of the door. Blinking away the tears that had appeared in the corners of her eyes, she turned and left, not daring to look back.

 _Even now, I'm still such a fool._

* * *

No one knew what kind of condition she had, but silently they all wondered, as Elsa did not return for the rest of the week.

In that time, Anna had grown accustomed to the habit of visiting the blonde every late afternoon. She memorized the nurses' schedules, dodging any encounters that might arise with any of the hospital staff or even visitors of the ailing girl.

For the most part, she simply remained outside the door, sometimes peeking in if it remained open. Often, she simply sat against the white walls of the empty hallway, basking in the knowledge that the love of her life was only a door apart.

Elsa slept often.

Sometimes, Anna worried if she ever woke up much at all. But then the next day she would find the other girl sitting, quiet and still...always staring blankly ahead.

She did not dare to question why Elsa was in the hospital for so long, nor did she dare to ponder on her own actions and what she wanted in visiting the other girl. She simply let herself feel, as she had not allowed herself the privilege of knowing such emotions for many years.

Thus Anna felt, and Anna loved.

Each day before she left, she would place a couple of white roses upon the patterned tiles before the door. She could not guess where the previous roses went, or if Elsa ever saw them at all. Still, she left them anyway, hoping but not daring to hope that the flowers did not end up prematurely in a trashcan somewhere.

She could not have predicted that on the fifth day, right as she was about to leave another set of roses, the door to Elsa's room would suddenly open, revealing a pale and shaking hand reaching forward and grasping onto her wrist.

* * *

End Chapter One.

 **A/N:** So what do you think of this chapter? Please don't hate on Anna's parents just yet. Because this story is at its truest, a love story. It will not only cover romantic relationships, but those between parent and child, as well as siblings. We will be back to Elsa's POV next chapter, and things should move on from there.


	3. Chapter 3

**All I Ask**

by eversskye

 **A/N:** An enormous THANK YOU! to everyone who had reviewed/faved/followed. I had so much planned in my head for this chapter, but for some reason the result was not to my satisfaction, and I ended up writing and rewriting it nearly a dozen times. Your continuous support for this story kept me going though, which is why I managed to finish this chapter rather than give up in my frustration. I'm still not entirely happy with how this chapter ended up, so I apologize if it does not flow as well as the first two? At the moment though, I am at a loss on what to do. I may or may not edit/rewrite this chapter later. For now though, I guess I'll leave off this part for a bit and move to the next to clear my head.

 **Warning:** Thoughts of suicide. Also, please forgive me if you notice any inaccuracies involving the depiction of leukemia. I'm still learning and researching on it.

 **Chapter Two**

There is always a sharp moment- right before her vision became dark and her body gave out- when the world stops spinning and Elsa is struck with an almost agonizing clarity.

The lights would be a little too bright. The ground would be a little too hard, too solid against her.

Distant sounds of chattering and laughing would echo in her ears, which would be pounding-

 _B-Bump_

 _B-Bump_

 _B-Bump_

The clothes that had felt comfortable before would suddenly seem constricting, clinging to her skin in cold sweat as her mind seemed to take in all of the senses at once.

And Elsa would stare at the all-too colorful world, wondering if this is how it felt to be healthy again, to be able to feel every single thing around her. Or was this how it felt to die? Staring at the tiny cracks in the wall as though they were hieroglyphics for some hidden secret, when all she wanted to do was to see Olaf and Marsh one last time and tell them she was sorry.

Sorry for being a failure of a sister.

Sorry for abandoning them when she'd promised to take care of them after their parents died.

Sorry for _wanting_ to die, after all this time, feeling constantly too tired to continue pretending to be happy when it was all such a lie; this disease has been draining her, she hadn't felt like herself in a long time.

Then the darkness would come, and...

 _Elsa!_

There is an ache deep inside her bones, drinking up her blood and ripping her lungs of breath...

Yet she could have sworn it all stemmed from her quickly beating heart, which should not exist, since that heart had died long ago with a throw of the phone and a crack that took out those awful words from a text by a girl who she'd entrusted that heart to. And darn it-

 _Elsa!_

-Everything just went downhill since then. Where did mom and dad go? Why did they leave? Maybe they died because she'd been depressed and they'd decided they didn't want to see her anymore. In the end, it was all her fault to cause them to worry so much that they...were distracted enough to lose control over the steering wheel, and the last thing they said to her was-

She should really move on to find happiness with someone else. If only the chance at closure was not stolen from her and she did not even get to see that girl one last time to say goodbye. But who was she kidding? She could never think of finding someone else. Why would she risk that burden onto them when she could not live much longer anyway?

 _Elsa, wake up!_

Who is it?

Someone keeps interrupting her thoughts when the pull of darkness is just so strong, so comfortable. Much less jarring than that too bright world from before, and the harsh cruelties that lie ahead with the non-existent future she's been heading off to. She should just give in. Give up. Let it go...

 **Wait.**

No. Not yet, no.

It can't end this way.

Not yet.

She still has to go to work. Who will pay the bills? Who will support Olaf and Marsh? Sure, Olaf has a part time job now, but she wanted him to focus on his studies. Marsh is going to college soon too, so maybe then-

 _ELSA!_

* * *

She gasped, breathing deeply before suddenly opening her eyes.

It took a few minutes before she could take in her surroundings, making note of the oxygen mask currently covering half of her face and the worried blue eyes looking into her own.

She struggled to sit, attempting to pull off the mask when the owner of those eyes raised a hand to stop her.

"It's okay, Sis. You're in the hospital right now. Just relax a little, and they'll take care of you, okay?"

She stared at him questioningly, unable to speak, yet willing for him to understand through the look in her eyes. Having answered his sister's questions numerous times before, Olaf did not hesitate before speaking once more, reaching over to hold one of her hands gently while pressing the small button on top of her bed to alert the nurses of her awakening.

"You've been asleep for about a day. Marsh noticed that you hadn't come home even though it was so late, so he went to your workplace to find you. He stayed all night here yesterday. Don't worry about Marsh, Sis. He was fretting, but I assured him I'll be here when you wake up, so he's at school right now. I'm fine too because I don't have class today."

He knew she was constantly worried over Marsh's schooling, since it was their youngest brother's last year of high school and she wanted him to be well prepared for college. The information seemed to calm her down, and she nodded tiredly as he moved away to let the doctors examine her.

She would remain in the hospital for the entire week.

* * *

They told her that staying in the hospital might help her current condition.

Naturally of course, as all medical euphemism went, it meant that she would spend the next morning retching into the toilet to get rid of what little food she had managed to take in the day before.

As she collapsed onto the tiled floor, exhausted, the sound of the outer door opening caused Elsa to still her breathing. Weary, tear-filled eyes widen, and she reached forward with one shaking hand to quickly close the bathroom door.

Somehow, she ended up throwing herself against the door just as the visitor entered the outer room.

"Hey sis? You there?" The clear voice rang out.

She breathed and closed her eyes, slightly relieved to recognize the voice as from the older of her two younger siblings rather than the youngest.

Olaf and Marsh.

The two were only a year and a half apart, yet Marsh was brash and hot-headed while Olaf was patient and empathic. Marsh's earnest -yet overly protective- way of caring for her was not something she wanted to deal with at the moment.

"Y-yeah?" She spoke, voice shaken and soft.

If Olaf noticed the weakness in her tone, he had the sense to not mention it, choosing instead to approach the bathroom door cautiously.

"Can I come in?"

The reply was immediate, Elsa's mind whirling as she replied, not wishing for her brother to see her in such a state.

"No! Just...hold on for a second, okay? I'll...I'll be out soon."

Had it been Marsh, perhaps her youngest brother would have rushed in without waiting to ask. Yet Olaf was much more perceptive than his younger sibling, immediately realizing Elsa's reasons for wishing to remain behind the door.

He breathed in deeply, clearing his head from the painful thoughts of what his sister was dealing with inside. Without the girl's knowledge, he pressed the button by her bed to call for a nurse. Then, he walked over to sit against the opposite side of the bathroom door.

His voice was soothing and mellow.

"No rush? Take all the time that you need. I will just be here, talking if that is okay? You don't have to say anything if you don't want to. Just listening is fine."

Grateful for his understanding, Elsa nodded, knowing that he would continue on talking even without seeing her acknowledgement. As the world continued to spin nauseatingly around her, she squeezed her eyes shut and clung onto his voice, letting him ground her with his stable tone.

They continued on for the next few minutes, both not quite remembering the entire one-sided conversation, but basking in each other's presence nonetheless as Olaf continued to jump from one topic to another, occasionally directing a question towards Elsa just to make sure she was still conscious.

Eventually the blonde girl gathered enough strength to stand up, turning on the sink to rinse herself clean. Just as she was about to leave the bathroom, however, another wave of dizziness hit and she stumbled, crashing loudly onto the floor.

"Elsa! Hold on, I'll-"

Olaf's voice immediately echoed from outside, yet another weak cry from his sister stopped him before he could come in.

"W-wait. Don't."

She collapsed onto the ground, shivering slightly and tears forming in her eyes as she whispered pleas for him not to enter.

 _Please._

 _Please._

"Please don't."

It was in that moment when one of the nurses- Gerda- finally entered the room, quickly accessing the situation when Olaf gave her a nod towards the bathroom. She headed towards the bathroom door, giving a few respectful knocks then opening the door before Elsa could stop her.

Olaf caught a glimpse of his sister cowering in a corner, afraid he would see her in such a pitiful state. Swallowing the tight knot of worry suddenly wedged his throat, he turned away, allowing the nurse to go in alone while he crouched by the door.

It was a common occurrence for Elsa. While she was quick to care and would never hesitate to offer help to anyone, Olaf's eldest sibling had always hated showing weakness or worrying those who she loved. Even when they were kids, if accidents and outdoor injuries occurred she would opt to hide them from their parents.

When Anna broke her heart, Elsa had stayed in her room for months, not wanting her family to see how sad she was.

She'd promised to let her brothers in when their parents died, and so far Elsa had kept to her word, never lying about how sick she truly was, and calling for her younger siblings to join her whenever they wanted to support her during a doctor's visit.

And yet...

Elsa had never once complained or let her brothers see her break downs either. Olaf knew how important it was for his sister to maintain some form of control over her life, and if it meant that she did not want him to be burdened with how much the illness was taking from her, then he would pretend to know nothing of it.

Thus he continued to babble on outside her door, in what he hoped was a pacifying manner.

Elsa paid his words no heed, however, tired and confused mind clinging onto the single thought of not letting any of her loved ones see how ill she had become. She continued pleading as she hid herself in the corner of the bathroom, stopping only when she felt a hand on her shoulder.

 _Don't come in!_

She flinched, shoulders bent as her arms circled protectively around her chest in attempt to make herself even smaller and less visible.

 _Don't-_

"Shhh."

She continued pulling away, but the old nurse was gentle and motherly, pulling the ailing girl into a tight embrace.

 _Please_

"It will be okay, child."

"D-don't let him in. Don't let him see."

"Shhhh."

The nurse began rocking from side to side, patting Elsa's back gently to calm her down.

"It's okay. We'll go out whenever you're ready."

For the next half an hour, they sat, until Elsa fell asleep from exhaustion. Only then did the patient nurse open the door, motioning for Olaf to carry his sister back to bed.

It was then that Olaf promised himself, he would protect his sister. He would find a way for her to be happy, no matter how hard it was, regardless of how much time she had left.

* * *

Life, like the wind, can flow in so many different directions.

Sometimes it coincides with where you are headed, pushing you forward.

Up, to where everything can easily be grasped.

Sometimes it pushes you away.

Down, to where you will never again reach what you want the most.

And sometimes, what had burned so brightly in the heart, what meant the world, is suddenly blown away...only to come back once it had already flickered and died.

Olaf had always been an easygoing type of person, always going with the flow.

So when he caught his sister's ex-girlfriend peeking outside Elsa's door, he was not sure what to believe...except that everything in life had a reason.

Perhaps it was finally time for Elsa's wounds to heal.

As was Olaf's way, despite the shock running through his veins, his grip on the girl remained gentle- even if firm.

The strawberry-blonde was kneeling with one hand extended, fingers still clutching the white roses she was about to leave on the floor. The moment he noticed the shadow of the mysterious visitor, Olaf wasted no time to reach forward and hold on to her wrist.

Only when he had pulled her quietly into his sleeping sister's room did the light haired boy recognize the girl to be Anna, the one who had so thoroughly broken his sister's heart long ago.

His memories of Elsa's suffering told him that he should probably yell at her. Or at the very least, he should send her away, tell her to never come here again.

Yet his mind reasoned that the leukemia, as well as a lot of the other unfortunate things his sister had suffered from throughout the years, were not caused by the girl in front of him.

Sure, she had caused Elsa a lot of heart ache.

But then again, who was he to judge on the right or the wrongs between them? This was no soap opera, and Olaf would prefer to live his life believing in love and fairytales instead of tv dramas.

So he pulled her safely to the side, took a deep calming breath, and spoke.

"What are your intentions with my sister?"

For a moment, Anna looked at him with panic filled eyes. Then, she turned away, guilt-ridden face boring a hole in the ground as she mumbled, "I...I just wanted to see her, from afar. I don't want to hurt her. Honest! I just want to know that she's okay."

She looked so scared and sorry that he was taken aback, immediately reminded of the times when Elsa was still dating her, and he had considered Anna as a close friend. He had believed that Anna had loved his sister at the time; the girl they once knew seemed incapable of lies and deceit.

Looking at her now, the air around her still so very familiar and caring towards his sister, Olaf had to wonder what had happened between the two.

The young man sighed as he came to a decision, silently hoping he would not regret it later. He nodded to the terrified girl, indicating for her to step closer to his still-slumbering sister.

"She should remain asleep for a while, so I'll give you a moment to be alone with her. But I'll be right outside the door, so...don't even think you can try anything funny. And...I want an explanation after this."

Without waiting for her to reply, Olaf headed out the room, making sure to leave the door slightly ajar in case his sister needed him.

* * *

Elsa slept often. She spent the week in a daze, often unable to tell morning from night.

Her brothers would visit at odd intervals, trying to see her as often as their schedules would permit. But aside from enjoying their company and enduring each chemo and radiation session, moments of sleep and wakefulness within the prison of her room eventually muddled into one.

She hated worrying her brothers; hated having to stay for treatment even more. The procedures left her constantly tired, aching and nauseous.

So she slept to forget the pain.

Slept to forget the pass of time. Slept to forget herself.

In Elsa's dreams, Anna was always the awkward tomboy she'd first met while in college.

Casual shirts and faded jeans, Anna wore her heart on her sleeves and stumbled clumsily on nothing but air as she walked Elsa from lecture to lecture during mornings, eagerly persuading Elsa to marathon Disney movies with her late into the night. Getting through Elsa's shy barriers were no easy feat, yet Anna with all her enthusiasm and direct nature, wormed her way in easily and naturally as breath.

In Elsa's dreams, Anna was always that sweet and innocent girl, always dragging her off to do volunteer work and immersing herself with community activities. A true people-lover, yet caring enough to know when Elsa simply wanted to stay inside and spend Christmas with just the two of them rather than joining wild college parties.

The memories of them together did not stop when Anna left. Not really.

Because to Elsa, Anna never left.

In Elsa's dreams...

Anna had been there to hold her during those days after her parents' car accident. She was the only person Elsa had wanted to see, even as Olaf and Marsh knocked on her door incessantly and forced her to go to the funeral.

In Elsa's dreams...

Anna had urged her to take her medication each day, and encouraged her whenever work became too busy and too hard.

In Elsa's dreams...

Anna had not minded when Elsa's hair had fallen out due to treatment over a year ago. Anna had teased her relentlessly when they grew back even whiter than before after the doctor switched to a different form of chemotherapy.

 _Dear Anna, do you realize how much of each other's lives we had missed?_

But dreams were only dreams. Happy dreams were especially sad for Elsa, because she would wake up to find them to be nothing more than wishful imagination.

Elsa knew it would be easier to hate the woman who had hurt her so. It would be simpler to resent the other girl for her actions, cursing her for choosing her parents over the lover.

But even as Elsa felt her heart ache from disappointment, even as she hid her emotions from the rest of the world and faced loved ones and strangers alike with cool neutrality...She was never one to lie to herself.

Thus in her heart Elsa kept on loving Anna, kept on dreaming of the other girl no matter how painful it was.

Eventually Elsa realized that perhaps, she no longer loved the real "Anna" at all. How could she, when she hadn't spoken to, hadn't known the other girl in years.

No.

What Elsa loved was the girl from the past, a girl who no longer existed.

A memory, if perhaps slightly glorified over time with incorrect recollections and much imagination. This was fine with Elsa, having these memories and living in them...because in her heart existed an Anna who had never left, never betrayed her. An Anna she could wholly love, in a world where only the two of them exist and no one could separate them.

And so the more Elsa loved, the more Elsa slept; wanted to remain forever asleep, because the real world no longer had that Anna in it.

 _How do you find someone who lives only in your memories, in your dreams?_

Elsa wanted for time to stop, wanted to stay in the past, wanted to disappear from the real world. Because maybe if she died, she could join that odd universe of dreams...and join that world where Anna would be with her again.

 _Wait for me Anna. Wait until Marsh enters college...and we'll be together._

* * *

As memories should be, throughout the four years of their separation, dream-Anna had never once aged or changed in appearance. Thus when she felt the presence of the other girl, Elsa had expected the young Anna from four years ago to be staring back at her.

Yet the platinum-blonde was surprised to find a new, updated version of dream-Anna next to her bed. The younger girl held a couple of white roses in hand, looking, for all intents and purposes, much more mature and similar to how she was when Elsa had so hurriedly run off earlier on that week.

She was not the usual dream-Anna. Was it because she had finally seen what Anna looked like now?

Still, this was _Anna_ , and Elsa was not in the right state of mind to question why this particular version of her dream looked different from how she usually appeared.

"A...Anna," she called, as she was usually wont to do in those dreams.

Her voice was hoarse from lack of use, but Anna heard her and stepped forward nonetheless, frantically uttering something that Elsa could not quite hear through the dull thrumming in her ears. Blinking tiredly, Elsa extended one shaking hand to weave her fingers with the other girl, lovingly noting the surprised widening of teal colored eyes.

"Come. You're...acting so weird today, Anna."

As the other girl quieted down, Elsa motioned her closer, not letting go until Anna ended up in a half-sitting position on her bed. Then, she reached both of her arms to encircle the other girl's shoulders, pulling her down into a tight embrace.

Anna froze, and Elsa buried her face into the strawberry-blonde's neck, smiling sadly.

"You know...I scared Olaf quite a bit some days ago. I must be projecting all of that into you, which is why you ended up so nervous."

When the girl in her arms did not speak, Elsa continued.

"I'm sorry. We usually have a lot more fun, neh? I don't know why...despite being in a dream, I feel so tired."

She shivered slightly, tightening her arms around the other girl as her body shook.

"Anna, I'm scared. If I'm sick in my dreams, too...then does it mean that my body has accepted it, accepted that this is all that's left in store for me? There's no escape here either."

A gentle hand found its way behind her back, rubbing in soothing circles. Elsa closed her eyes, trying to lose herself in the realistic feeling of the embrace.

 _Please. Stay with me._

* * *

End Chapter Two.

 **A/N:** Thank You for reading.


End file.
